I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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