I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
