I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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