her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
