oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
where are you?
Hypothermia
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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