3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize