I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
