May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
