I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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