What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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