drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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