just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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