Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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