If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
