So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
