Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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