just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
