Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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