threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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