even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
