Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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