I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
