my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
