then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
