Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
