I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
