Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
