Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
