I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
