were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
