You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
