oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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