Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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