Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
