Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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