I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
