the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
