It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
