I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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