Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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