Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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