The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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