Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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