if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
