I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
