I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize