dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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