The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
