New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
