I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
