Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
