I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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