Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
