i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've blown a few things in my day
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
