You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
