I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
