I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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