I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
