STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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